Blasphemy no. 5

What kind of SMS would the Holy Prophet send?

Which carrier would he decide on? Zong? Telenor? Ufone? (The devil uses Jazz so we can rule that out)

I backed up my blog before publishing this, as i was wary people in their fury at my words might take out their anger on my blogsite. For most people, considering the Prophet, or Allah, or anything remotely connected with religion in any context out of the conventional and sanctioned ones is an invitation to strap on some dynamite and ball bearings.

so back to the conversation. would the Prophet be on facebook? would he use blogger, or wordpress?


are you recoiling in horror? praying for forgiveness for my sins? why?

consider this - it is the belief of muslims that islam is the perfect and eternal religion, which provides for guidance in every conceivable manner of life's varied situations. moreover, it is perpetually put forth that the Prophet's life provides for the perfect solutions to each and any problem that our daily life might throw at us. thus islam has an ordained method of stepping inside a bathroom, a set way of having sex with one's wife, a prescribed procedure for conducting war, for shaving one's pubic hair, for saying hello in the morning, for offering prayers for drought and for funerals, for trimming the beard, for decorating the eyes, for tugging trousers above ankles and below navels...
so it stands to reason that the Prophetic way would also provide for issuing guidance in areas where contemporary muslims are unsure of what to do. but in order to do that, one can not turn to any examples from the Prophet's life, as none exist. ergo, wouldn't one have to depend on interpretations, on analogies, and on consensus to reach a decision?

unfortunately, the prevailing instinct in popular, or perhaps prevalent streams of islamic thought is a strict, literal version of islamic injunctions and orders. of course, it is bleeding obvious by now that i am referring to wahabist, salafist ideologies, most eloquently embodied by the taliban.it would be unfair though to blame solely the taliban - for as long as i can remember, muslims have always looked fondly back at the time of the four caliphs, as an era of utopia, of perfect contentment, of ideal governance and living, of the ultimate realization of humanity's potential. in fact, the panacea to all of today's problems is routinely thought to be setting back the clocks to those glorious times.

let us ignore the historical fact that the era was marred by repeated rebellions against the new state, and of a debilitating civil war, and would go on to deliver a dynastical monarchy which was ruled by men who had much in common with the very arabs that the Prophet had removed ideologically and politically from power.

even if we assume that this said time was Perfect with a capital P, is there any sense in reverting back to it?
to do so would require literally stripping away whatever exists of contemporary life, which includes 14 centuries of buildings, boundaries, structures and technology. even if that were possible, one would also need to destroy 1400 years of cultural development, of linguistic development and intricacies, of intellectual thought. but even if one somehow manages to do those things, it still would not be enough. for you would also need to eradicate a millennium and a half of memory, of identities, of history.yet advocates of such a monumental task of rampant destruction are adamant that this is exactly what would provide Muslims with deliverance. now, as i just explained, a return to such times would need a collective imposition of amnesia. are these advocates even aware of the consequences of what they are asking for?

clearly they are not. why? because their whole manner is insincere.

the mullah denounces the decadent west, and promises a return to simplistic times, through an FM transmission. i know that Hazrat Bilal had a lovely voice, but he was a slave, not a short wave transmitting device. no precedence exists for this digital sermon in our Glorious Past, Mr. Fazlullah.Or how about the band of illiterate bus conductors who proclaim themselves to be the taliban? last time i checked, a talib was a student. expropriating their name might be an example of brand mimicry, or even franchising, but this sly usage is certainly not befitting of a glorious movement striving for the establishment of God's will on earth.

but the extremism on one end does not justify the extremism on another end.

on friday, i was doing a report on ways people could aid the IDP situation. i visited one event which was very well publicized on the net, which had its own facebook page, and radio ads and all the works. it was completely sparse as well, populated only by a variety of MILF-ish aunties in oversized Chanel sunglasses gossiping away while being surrounded by a handful of sacks of food.perhaps ironically, or befittingly, the name of this organization was "Voice of the Civil Society."

their ideologies and ideas were soon exposed as just as insincere, as half-baked and self-serving as the people i mentioned above. for starters, they were passing out these green ribbons which were supposed to show our support for our troops.i recoiled in horror when asked to wear one, as i felt that as the army had created, fostered and nurtured the taliban, the least they could do was fight them when they were threatening to take down pakistan.

in response, the flamboyant designer who was offering the ribbon replied that the only good taliban was a dead taliban, and someone has to kill them, so it might as well be the army. he then served me some drivel about how people like him and me were the only bastions of progressive values in our country.
fuck him.

let us imagine that the Prophet was around right now. perhaps he wouldn't be bothered with using Zong, or twittering. but there are some things he would probably denounce.

he would feel that the air-conditioner i have on right now is sinful in the context of the fact that most pakistanis are suffering from electricity shortages, and don't have any ACs to relieve them when the light does come back. he would not like the fact that my family of six has access to three cars. he would recoil at the amount of water i use in my shower when the country suffers from a lack of adequate water supply. he would question my need to eat the super sized meal at Mickey Dees when most of the people in my society consumer the same number of calories over a week's period. he would probably ask me not to keep my appliances on standby, because the energy they use are causing pollution and shortages.the mullahs in our society use mobile phones to plan and then detonate improvised explosive devices, yet denounce modernity and it's manifestations such as democracy. the mimis and tinkoos in our society testify the kalima of progressiveness, yet routinely support fascist and authoritative actions and ideals.

if the Prophet were alive today, he would not be on the right or the left, he would not be secular or theocratic. he would take a stand against bigots, against regressive thoughts and ideas, against the blind following of ideals just for their sake, he would be against anyone who uses the ends to justify his deplorable means.

i would venture to say that such issues would occupy him far more than the need to flog unproperly attired teenage girls, the compulsion to criticize land reforms and democracy as un-Islamic, the desire to hold charity drives while sipping perrier, the excitable calls for the creators of the demons to protect us from the demons themselves.

the Prophet may have been many things, but he was not an idiot. stop making him out to be one, and stop acting like ones yourself.