Lovely, Awais Lovely

If you head over to Dawn right now, you can feast on what must be my finest hour as a blogger - an interview with the man himself, Awais Lovely.

But before I am drowned in a crescendo of "FAKE" shouts, let me cover my ass. this link below is a mp3 file of the entire interview, but before you click play, some disclaimers.

1. the recording quality is terribly shit. my voice is super loud, his isn't. i've tried and made some changes but there you go.
2. there's also a lot of disturbance because i was recording this outside. don't ask why.
3. the recording was made on my phone, which for some reason records calls in 2.30 minute chunks. so every time i would start a new file, i would lose the conversation in between.
4. it would probably help to read the transcription i've attached below along with the audio, to keep making sense of everything.

Lovely. Awais Lovely.

A=Awais , K=KarachiKhatmal

Meh= ‘in’ Mei=I/me/myself

Voice-0003

K: What makes Mr. Awais lovely?

A: Well, I’ll tell you something that since a long time ago I meet, guys and people are telling me that ‘Awais you are really different and you seems to be a very, very romantic guy so you can do something special in the world yeah’ so I’ve been feeling as well right? So that’s why I started making videos to introduce me like I am a lovely guy you know…And I’ve been so romantic with the girls as well, people telling me in my school in my college as well.

K: So whom do you want to introduce Awais Lovely to?

A: To the world…

K: Puri dunya mei hurr bunda jo hei woh Awais Lovely…They should get to know? But why?

A: Is liey keh mei apnay aap koh aik different larkay ki tarhaan, aik romantic aur achay larkay ki tarhaan introduce karvaana chahta huun. Mei iss liey – uss mei basically sub seh bari baat yeh hai keh mei apnay Pakistan koh – kyun keh I’ve been a lot of countries and I’ve been watching that keh logh jo hein naa woh Pakistan koh aik buri nazr seh daikhtay thay aur Pakistaniyoun koh aur mujhay buhat buraa lugtaa tha…Toh mei neh unko yeh batana chaaha keh hum logh bhee ‘lovely’ ho saktay hein, hum logoun mei bhee pyaar hai, hum logh bhee kisi aur ki izzat kar saktay hein, hum logh bhee romantic hein, humaray paas bhee dil hai, aur hum buhat polite hein. Aur hamaray mei bhee aisi cheezain hein. Iss liey yeh karnay keh liey mei neh apna nick AwaisLovely rakhaa.

K: In ‘romance’ what are the most important things? Three sub seh zyaada important things kya hein ‘romance’ mei?

A: ‘Romance’ mei meray khayaal mei sub seh important thing woh yeh hai keh…meray liey keh aap…How do you treat a girl? If you are really committed/corporative to her, she should understand that that is the guy I really wanted, keh yehi larka hai jo mujhay chaheay tha aur yehi larka who can make me better so ‘romantic’ honay ka mutlub sirf yeh nahi hei: to flirt (with) a girl…right? To give her a protect(ion) to give her a care of being a romantic guy you know? Yeh mei samajhtaa huun keh aap uss ki aankhoun mei aankhain daalein aur who samajhay keh yehi hai mera sacha, mera dost, mera saathi bun sukta hai

Voice-0004

K: Jin boys nei ‘bad name’ diya hua hai…toh woh kya ghalat kar rahay hein and what is special about Awais…What is the best thing about Awais that these other boys don’t have?

A: Doosray larkoun neh jo ‘bad’ diya hua hai? Kya diya hua hai? 

K: Aap keh rahey thay na keh Pakistan ki image ko improve karna chah rahey ho aur like to show the world that we are also ‘lovely.’ Toh jun logoun neh jin Pakistaniyoun ki waja seh bad image hua wa hai toh what are they doing wrong aur aap mei kya best cheez hai jo aap uss ko overcome kar rahey ho?

A: Yaar mei yeh nahi kehta keh ‘I am the best’ but I am trying my best. Mei yeh kehna chahta huun keh mei neh aisay logoun ko dekhaa hai joh keh doosray mulkoun mei jaa keh woh samajhtay hein keh hummay koi nahi daikh raha and you can do anything over here right? They should understand that they are human being as well, that they got (a) mind as well. They think that they speak English and they don’t know what to thinking right? To be a Pakistani, since we are different we can do anything wrong over here and they would understand right? Yeh sub seh bari unn keh dimagh mei ghalat baat hai keh doosra yeh nahi samajhta keh who ghalat kaam bhee kar sakta hai. And girls are the ones, they treat them bad and they touch them on the wrong way and they follow them around…Woh Pakistan ko wahaan peh jaa keh is tarah seh keh wahaan ki larkiyoun mei woh samajhtay hein keh ‘gori’ it means like a bad girl right? ‘Gori’ ka yeh mutlub nahi keh woh larki buri hai…‘gori’ being a ‘gori’ is a Caucasian race right? Toh who logh sochtay hein keh hum Pakistan seh aaey hein aur hum yehaan peh aakeh kuch bhee kareingay toh yeh toh ‘goriyan’ hein yeh toh mind nahi karingay…They wouldn’t mind. But they should understand that they are human beings, they got minds, they got eyes, they can understand right? Iss waja seh Pakistan ka bad image banaa hai unn larkiyoun mei, iss liey mei Awais Lovely keh naam seh, being a Pakistani, unn keh behalf peh prove karna chahta huun keh we are really different and five fingers are not equal.

Voice-0005

K: Awais toh yeh bataiey keh aap ki aik jo normal youtube video hoti hai, toh woh kaisay shurooh hoti hai uss ka idea kaun laata hai, shoot kaun karta hai, edit kaun karta hai?

A: Jee bhaee, iss ko altogether mei karta huun, apnay mind seh. Mujhay bhee nahi samajh mei aata keh yeh aur kisi cheez hai mei baithay baithay soch layta huun keh video how should be. Toh meray dimagh mei baithay baithay, mei kisi seh baat kar raha hota huun na toh mujhay pata chul jaata hai keh iss tarah ki aik video bunn sakti hai. Toh ussi time mei meray bhai mei ?? charh jata hai, mei uss waqt boltna nahi huun, thori dair keh baad mein jub yeh baat karta huun toh uss waqt sirf?? meray paas aik hissa hota hai, thora sa normal sa ?? uss seh aagay mei kuch aur sochta huun toh mujhay naey (new) seh naey idea aajatay hein…Round about ten and fifteen minutes meh mei (I) soch laita huun keh kis tarhaan ki video honi chaheay.

K: Acha aur jo gaana aata hai, meray khayaal mei aap ka bhai cameraman ka kaam karta hai toh aap uss ko instructions daitay ho? Kaisay kartay ho?

A: Jee bhai uss ko instructions mei daita huun, song bhee mei choose karta huun, phir mei video jis traffic?? peh hoti hai uss seh mei usska song choose karta huun, uss koh phir mei apnay bhaiyoun seh format karwa keh, editing karwata huun, keh yaar aap iss ki tayaari?? kar doh kyunkeh iss mei convert kar keh phir who attach kartay hein. Laikin meray bhaiyoun ko mei batata huun keh ‘abay side seh shoot karo phir buhat acha view aaey ga’ MashAllah they are very intelligent like me.

Voice-0006

K: So do your brothers ever feel like keh kabhi hamari bhee video banay?

(recorder: 6:36-6:47)A: No no, (UNCLEAR) One said but I denied that he do it…I am their eldest brother iss liey woh meri izzat kartay hain jub mei unn ko bolta huun keh baita mei jo kar raha huun aap nahi kar saktay…I am taking a lot of responsibility on my shoulders right, so nobody else can do it. Who phir nahi kartay, meri baat maantay hein 

K: Making these videos, being Awais Lovely aap keh rahey ho keh yeh buhat bari zimmaydari hai…Kya zimmaydari hai jo aap ki nazr mei maybe your brothers can do wrong?

A: Because iss liey keh iss world mei….This world is full of ‘haters’ and ‘lovers’ right? Iss dunya mei achay logh bhee hein aur buray logh bhee hein, toh mei nahi chahtaa keh…meray bhaiyoun ko koi ‘hater’… mei chahta huun keh agar mera koi ‘hater’ ho toh woh meray saath hee rahey…mei nahi chahta keh meray bhaiyoun peh kisi qism ki problem…I don’t want to show them to the world back there…its not right kyun keh meray saath buhat buhat (buray) qism keh comments bhee aatay hein, toh mujhay yeh sub kuch absorb/observe karna hota hai…So you need to get the balls  - of steel balls to show yourself like that on the front of camera/film/video.

K: Aap yeh bataein keh aap ki favourite video kaunsi hai aur kyun? Apni joh banai huey hain.

A: Bhai uss mei sub seh meri jo favourite video hai, woh hai:?? Jo uss keh song peh mei neh shoot kiya, Scotland Glasgow mei. Aur aik meh jiss meh mei apni body dikha raha huun, kyun keh I like to do exercise but mei neh chor diya hai…Toh uss meh sub seh meri achi video hai jo mujhay achi lagti hai bayshuk woh itni achi nahi hai laikin mujhay woh…mei neh who jaldi meh shoot ki is liey woh yeh hai keh woh song name??? joh mei neh Glasgow meh shoot ki…Glasgow Scotland meh shoot ki who video – uss meh puri meri life hai. Mei yehaan she jub gaya tha, kyun keh wahaan ja keh mei apni family ko miss kar raha tha, apnay culture ko miss kar raha tha, apnay business ko miss kar raha tha, apnay country, apny logoun ko…I am walking alone in the garden on the lawn way and I am missing all those things happening in Pakistan right now joh ghar meh mei sub miss kar raha tha.

Voice-0007

K: Internet peh aik image hai Awais ki, aur aik real bundaa baitha hai Pakistan meh Awais. Toh internet peh jo AwaisLovely hai aur reality meh jo Awais hai, unn donoun meh kitna farq hai?

A: Yeh ub donoun jo image hein woh meray hee hein ya kisi doosray ka hai?

K: Nahi nahi. Aap jo apnay ‘khud’ ko mehsoor kartay ho aur ‘image’ ko mehsoor kartay ho unn meh kitna farq hai

A: Uss meh zyaada she zyaada dus (10% to 20%) seh bees percent farq toh ho gaa uss seh zyaada nahi. Jo mei youtube videos meh huun I hope keh mei itna achaa reality mein huun. Mujay aisa lagta hai keh jo youtube seh logh mujhay ‘hating’ kartay hein, achaa nahi samajh tay, unn logoun ko mei chahta ho keh mei personally [voice lost] woh mujhay bura samjhtay thay magar jab who mujh say khud mile Glasgow main toh woh mere bahut baray fan ban gaye. 

Voice-0008:

K: Yaani ke youtube main bhi best possible image nahi aati, jo suchayee hoti hai?

A: Woh aisa hai keh woh meri hobby hai. Reality main  jab aap mujh say milo gay I’m a different Awais, Mashallah aap mujh main aur bhi kafi saari cheez dekho gai. Kyun ke youtube per main apne eye contact, apne emotion, apni har cheez feel nahi karwa sakta. Lekin jab aap mere samnay baitho gay, jab personally sub kuch practically dekho gay feel ker rahay ho gay tab aap mujhe achi tarah say jaan sako gay. Lekin mein yeh challenge se keh sakta huun inshallah keh jo larka aap youtube per dekh rahay ho Awais mein reality mein uss se bhi acha ho sakta huun Inshallah. 

K: Inshallah. Acha mujhe yeh bataein Awais keh aap ka ek fan hei jo aap ko sirf youtube video say janta hai, aur jo kuch bhi dekha hai to woh kya agar asli Awais ko mile ga to koi different banday se mil raha hoga, ya almost same banda ho ga ya uss se bhi behtar ho ga?

A: Mujhe jo umeed hai woh yeh hai keh uss se bhi behtar hoga. 

Voice-0009:

K: Awais acha mujhe yeh bataoo keh agar app per koi movie banana chahe Bollywood main, to kiss actor ko aap chahein gay keh woh Awais ke part play keray?

A: Male actors mein se?

K: Haan haan

A: Ji mein chahoon ga – Shahrukh Khan. 

K: Kyun?

A: Kyun keh, I’m one of his big fans, kyun ke main, mujhe aisa lagta hai keh, kuch percent mujhe apni cheezain Shahrukh Khan jaisi lagti hain, main yeh nahi kehta keh mein Shahrukh Khan huun ya mein koi big celebrity huun, lekin, mein, ek hota hai na ke insan kisi ko dekh ke sochta hai keh yaar yeh meri tarah lagta hai. Theek hai. Mein apni side se sochta huun keh Shahrukh Khan mein kuch aisee baatein hain jo meri tarah woh sochta hai keh woh bahut neechay se upar gaya hai, aur us keh ander kafi saari different cheezain hain aur woh bahut practical larka hai, aur bahut uss ne hard working ki hai life mein, naam kamaya hai, aur aaj bahut established star hai dunya mein…

[Awais later messaged me to ask me to change his choice for the star to play him from Shahrukh Khan to Imraan Hashmi]

K: Acha Awais yeh batao keh aap yeh youtube per video bana rahe ho theek hai, aaj se duss saal pehle youtube waghera bilkul nahi tha, theek hai, to kuch log matlab yeh bhi sochte huun gay keh humari generation jo hai, jo internet pay itna hoti hai woh samjhte huun gay keh yeh ghalat ker rehay hain, ya matlab yeh kya cheez hai ke koi ek doosray se banda zaati taur pe mil nahi raha hai, mafar tab bhi uss ke paas itne fan bhi aa rahay hain, haters bhi aa rahe hain, tou matlab agar jaise aap keh walid walidayn poonche, ya koi burra poonche to aap ussay kaisay explain kerain gay?

A: Main uss ko iss ka bahut acha image dekhata huun, mein uss ko yeh batata huun halankeh mujhe apni family mein problem hui hai iss wajah se, lekin families hoti hain na, rishte jo hote hain, woh iss hi liye hotein hai keh woh aap ke saath contact rakhte hain. Aap ke apnay aap ko samajh bhi jaatein hain. Aap un ko ghussay say bhi samjha sakte ho pyaar se bhi kyun ke they are your own right? Doosroon ki baat yeh hai mei un ko yeh misaal deta huun keh yeh jukha hua pair (tree) hai na, pathar bhi uss hi ko maarte hain jo jhuka hua pair hota hai, [voice lost] aur phir mei ne un ko yeh bola keh yaar abhi mere saath kaante hain, jab us par phool ugay ga na – phool ke saath kaante bhi hote hain – lekin ek waqt aaye ga jab mein ek level per pahunch jaaon ga, aur yeh saare haters jo hain jo mujhe like nahi kertay keh yaar yeh kya ker raha hai, jiss din mei phool pe pahunch jaaon ga, yehi log mujhe pasand kerain gay, yaar WOW larke ne kamala ker diya hai. Yaar kahan se start hua tha, kahan pahunch gaya hai woh kyunke every celebrity has this kind of sadful painful story behind it, behind its personal life. 

Voice-0010:

K: Bahut khoob baat. Acha aap ne suna hi hoga keh aap ka twitter pe ek fake account bhi bana tha, theek hai, facebook pay fake accounts thay, aap keh khayal mein log aap ke fake accounts kyun banana chahte hain?

A: Woh mei ne jo aap se thori der pehle baat ki hai last mein, keh ek waqt tha log kehte thay keh yaar yeh pagal hai, videos banata hai, yeh kya hai iss ka? Aaj ek waqt hai ke log mujhe Mashallah agar youtube pay 50 log mujhe dislike kerte hain, toh 150 log mujhe like kerte hain. Mei, mei sochta hu keh ek samandar mein se ek baalti nikal do na, toh samandar ko koi farq nahi parta. Toh woh jo 50 log hain na haters, woh baalti paani ki tarah nikal keh mei ne pekh diyain hain. Jo 100 log hai na un se mein bahut pyaar kerta huun, woh mera samander hai. Toh yeh baat hai keh jo hai na log mujhe copy ker ke, kyun ke mein ub status ho gaya huun, Mashallah kafi dunya mujhe jaanit hai jaise aap mujhe call ker rahain hain, mera interview le rahein hain, saari dunya jaanti hai keh Awais Mashallah ek naam bun gaya hai, toh log mera naam us ker ke larkiyon ko impress kerna chahtay hain, kyunke girls are really attracted to me right now and before when I got noticed on the youtube as well, lekin yeh baat hai keh log mera naam use kerna chahte hain. 

K: Acha tell me why do girls find you so attractive?

A: I don’t know. Lot of people ask me for that but bro I think this is God gifted thing, that’s why I was on the youtube because people used to say me that you are really attractive, so handsome Mashallah, kyunke Allah ka shukar hai mei ne kabhi comment nahi kiya lekin people used to say me you’re a cute, aur mere ander yeh cheez logo se hi paida hui aur mujhe khud bhi lagta tha keh mei kuch ker sakta huun, lekin yeh jo cheez hoti hai na larkiyon waali baat, yeh insaan ke ander hoti hai I was born like that. 

K: Acha yaani keh koi aur issay, is skill ko develop kerna chahe toh woh nahi ker sakta?

A: Nahi ker sakta hai, yeh God gifted hoti hai. Log yeh poochte hain [voice lost] keh apni personality kharab na kero, kyunke agar aap doosron ko copy kerain toh aap ki apni bhi personality kharaab ho sakti hai. Toh mei chahta huun ke be natural, and be practical to the girls, and maybe she’s a, she will get in touch from you. 

K: Very good advice. 

Voice-0011:

K: Acha aap ek Pakistan ke chotay sheher say ho, jo zyada barre mashoor sheher hain Karachi, Lahore, Islamabad – maybe – toh un se matlab usually humari celebrities aati hain, aap ek chotay sheher say aa rahe ho matlab kya aap ke khayal mei aap ki outlook thori different hai, kya chote shehro ka, matlab Pakistan mei naye tareeke se dekhna chahiye?

A: Mei sochta huun ke bhaiyee koi chota barra nahi hota kyunke koyla kahan, diamond kahan milta hai? Koylay mein milta hai. Theek hai, heera aap dhoondne jaate ho to paharoo mei. Mei ek jeweller huun, mei ek sunaar huun, I have a gold jewelry shop I spend my time there, mein Mashallah ek businessman huun aur ek Pakistani jeweller huun mei. Toh mein yeh sochta huun keh heera koi bhi [voice lost] woh aap ko koylay se milta hai. Kyunke koi bhi cheez jo hai na barri choti nahi hoti, koi kaheen se bhi aa keh chaa sakta hai. Cos everybody got talent, everybody got quality aur kuch nahi pata hota yeh sab se barri baat muqaddar ki hoti hai, kaun kahan se aa ker kahaan chala jata hai, ek larki America mei bhaiti hai, aap Pakistan mei bhaite hain, aap dono ka pata nahi hota keh shaadi America mei bhi ho gee lekin achanak se koi aata hai woh bolta hai ek larki hai woh achi hai, woh America mei hai, kya aap un se shaadi kerna chahte hain, aap ke ghar wale chahtay hain woh bolte hain haan theek hai. Ab ek United States of America 20, 30 thousand miles away from here, aap wahan jaa keh shaadi kerte ho [voice lost]

K: Hello? Hello?

A: Jee, aap sun rahe hain na?

K: Acha yeh batao keh Inshallah shaadhi waghera ho jaye uss ke baad bhi aap continue kerna chahe gain apna youtube account?

A: Filhaal mein shaadi abhi nahi ker sakta kyun keh abhi I want to have my bachelor life for a long time, aur Inshallah mei shaadi keh baad bhi sochoon ga – lekin agar shaadi ke baad mein ne videos banayee bhi tou mei kuch achi [voice lost] uss ke bare mei mein ne abhi socha nahi like kyun ke jab meri shaadi hogi phir mein sochoon ga mera mind kaisa hai ab mei kiss mind ka hogaya huun, kyuun ke man change you know, a person changes after marriage or something like that 

K: Fair enough. Awais yeh batao keh abhi Pakistan mei different qissam ke log hain jo bolte hain keh yeh sab video gaana waana yeh sab kissam ki cheezain ghalat hain. Is ski wajah se Pakistan kharaab ho raha hai, girls or boys ki talking ki wajah se kharaab ho raha hai. Iss ke bare mein kya khayal hain aap ke?

Voice 0012:

A: Agar aap kiss bhi ghalat cheez ko sahih cheez mei laa ker uss ko represent ker rahe ho to uss mein ghalat nahi hai. Dekhain ghalat dekhna ho to bahut kuch ghalat hai, phir to hum uthte baithte kitna ghalat kuch kerte hain agar is tarah kuch dekhe toh. Ek cheez ghalat hai toh mei uss ko sahih nahi kehta lekin agar itna sahih hai to phir yeh sab kyun hai? Agar ghalat hi tha, tou phir sab kuch kyun hai, kyun yeh songs barrh rahe hain, kyun yeh gaariyon mei systems hain, kyun yeh cinema systems hain, kyun videos hain, phir toh sab kuch socho na, phir aap kya sochne baitho gay toh yahan samander ban jaye ga soch ka yahan aap ko kuch nahi milay ga jiss ka koi kinara nahi hai.

K: Toh abhi jo log, matlab hamare mulk mei dehshat-gardee waghera hai, log matlab qatl-o-gharat ker rahe hain, just to get their point across, what would you say to them?

A: Brother un ke liye toh yehi hai keh un ko sab se pehle toh Allah se darna chahiye kyun ke that’s why mei kuch different kerne ki koshish ker raha huun, kyuun ke humare Pakistan ka, kyuun ke dekho I was born in Pakistan, right, yeh humari identity hai, Pakistan, agar, kyun keh mei ne pardes mei reh kar mei ne bahut kuch dekha hai aur mujhe apne mulk se pyaar hai this is my home cuntry right, toh mei nahin chahta keh, mein kuch aisa ker ke dekhana chahta tha keh sirf doosre logoon ko foreigners ko, mujhe Pakistan mei kuch show kerne ki zaroorat nahi hai kyun ke yahan pe already sab ek doosre ko jaante hain, lekin mei, I want to show my culture, to the people of the States and out of Pakistan right, dekho hum log bhi apni sarkoon pay drive kerte hain, humari larkiyan bhi drive kerti hain, azaad hain, toh woh log sochte hain keh humari larkiyon ne humein dubaya hua hai, hum log yeh hain, hum log waise hain, gaariyon mei koi shopping kerne nahi jaa sakta bomb blast ho jata hai, mein un ko yeh dikhana chah raha huun keh “dekho I am driving on the road, a lonely, making videos, and you can see the roads, and you can see the development over here and I’m a Paki guy who making videos, I can dance better than yours people like, mei aap keh logo se bhi acha dance ker sakta huun, mein aap ke logo se bhi, I can [voice lost]

Voice 0013:

K: 

K: 

A: Scotland mei ek dafa mein ek disco mei gaya. Waha disco mei mein ne dance kiya tou a lot of girls did like me and they came up to me and they just crowd me and I was in the middle and they were just flashing me and snatching my body… two guys were behind me and they were just getting jealous unho ne ja keh DJ ko bola keh aap song ko change kero hum iss larke ko challenge kerna chahte hain dance mein. Pehlo unho ne aa ke mujhe bola ‘will you accept my challenge’ mein ne bola ‘yeah’ uss ne bola ke hum dance kerain ge, aur dekhte hain kaun jeet-tta hai. There were two guys dancing on the floor and I did alone myself and I just lose them in 50 seconds and all the girls and the guys clapped for me and they all asked me where are you from and I said I am from Pakistan, I am the guy from Pakistan, I challenge you over here and you LOSE from a Pakistani. 

K: Bahut khoob. Un ka kya response tha?

A: They were just looking at me they were just ‘Oh my God’ yeh iss tarah ker ke who chale gaye they were ‘wordless’ wo-h kuch nahi bole unho ne drink pakri aur ja ke apni table per baith gaye. They were just confused, wo-h confused they…

Voice - 0014:

K: Speaking of confused, what do you think about Pakistanis who are elites…Are they confused?

A: Yes mei sochta huun keh they are confused they Paki-born-confused-Americans. Wo-h sochte hein keh hum Pakistani mei peyda hueay hain magar hum Americans hain. Mei chahta huun, mei poonchta huun keh aap Pakistan mei rahe ho, aap apna style rekho american yeh koi baat nahi hai, yeh sochna koi buri baat nahi hai, lekin overacting mat kero. Yeh mat show kero keh yaar, mei jo hai na Pakistan mei paida hua huun magar mei pata nahi kya huun. Mei matlab phutt gaya huun, mei special huun. Yeh nahi kehna chahiye, we love our country, mei ne aap ne dekha ho ga meri video mei keh I’m proud to be a paki and I’m proud to be a desi. Theek hai? Overacting kabhi nahi kerni chahiye jab bhi aap overacting kero ge aap confuse jo jao gay. Phir samne wala [voice lost] wo-h aap ko parh le ga keh yeh overacting ker raha hai, yeh jo nahi hai yeh who dikha raha hai apne aap ko. Tou wahan pe humari youth jo hai no who confuse ho jati hai. [voice lost] aap samajh rahe hai na meri baat ko? 

K: Awais Pakistani cricket team mei kaunsa banda hai jo sab se zyada aap ki tarah hai, jiss se aap identify kerte ho?

A: Mei personally agar kisi ko like kerta huun to wo-h hain Shahid Afridi. 

K: Acha kyun?

A: Kyun ke he’s attractive, he’s like a, mujhe uss mei, he’s a faster, and he’s a fashionable, aur mujhe jo hei na uss tarah kei fast log pasand hain, he’s very fast as well … he looks very cute aur style hai uss ka who jab kisi ko bowled kerta hai uss ka ek stle hai baat kerne ka style hai, he has a big personality as well aur mei personality walay bando ko bahut like kerta huun, aur Mashallah meri ek aadat hai keh jo personality wala [voice lost] lekin mei waisay bata raha huun keh koi acha insane hai, jis ki personality achi hai mei uss ko like kerta huun us say baat kerta huun like kerta huun usse. 

Voice 0015:

K: Acha if you had to give a message to your fans, people who want to be like Awais Lovely, tou aap un ko kya kaho ge un ko kya advice do gey?

A: Yeh tou bahut complicated question hai iss ko mei kya boloun? Mei iss ko sirf iss pey yeh bol sakta huun keh mei apne fans ko, mei chahta huun keh, mei yehi kehna chahta huun apne fans se I’m nothing. I’m a normal guy, keh mei ek normal guy huun, wo-h ek awais ko apne ander dekh sakte hain. Awais jab you tube pe nahi tha, mei un ko yeh batana chahta huun keh jab Awais you tube pe nahi tha, they didn’t know me, wo-h nahi jante they keh Awais kaun hai, iss liye try to do something that you become your personality, and somebody you’d like to see, who’d like to be themselves, tou mei chahta huun keh apne aap ko iss tarah banao keh doosra bhi kehe keh yaar, wo-h bhi ek personality bun jayein aur wo-h bolain keh yaar, kal ko doosra bole keh yaar mei iss ki tarah bunna chahta huun. Awais is a lovely guy and he’s a casual guy aur meri personality is got to me by God, jo ke cheat nahi ho sakti jo by birth mere under aayi hui hai, aur uss ko copy ker ke kabhi bhi apni personality ko kharab mutt kerain. They love me I love them.

UthRecords Songs as Pakistani Fast Bowlers

"Where does Pakistan keep finding these amazing fast bowlers from? Probably the same place they find great musicians from"
- Ancient Chinese Proverb

Somewhere beneath the madness of the world cup, one of pakistan's most significant cultural moments was gleefully occurring. I am referring to what is currently the second most important TV show in Pakistan - uth records.

Now i realise that some of you might have missed it (catch all of the first season here) And I also know that many of you are still trying to adjust your mind's bleary eyes from the crushing hangover of the world cup. so, in an extravagant display of my magnanimity and confused mindset, i am going to put indulge in some intellectual crossing of these two perennial nashay - music and cricket.

presenting - UthRecords Songs As Pakistani Fast Bowlers.

(please note that the analogies are for the songs, not the artists. thanks.)

Jumbo Jatt - Jahiliya

In the recent past, Sheikhupura has beget two fast men to make it into the national side. A few years ago, during a vist there, i met three men whose primary pursuits involved getting drunk and betting on cricket. they had been avid followers of the domestic circuit for reasons of both passion and money, and they were extremely confused by something. of the two bowlers i speak of, one had been a waif like no-hope who had nothing special about him. a waste of space, they condemned him. the other, had it all.

and yet, mohammad asif was making mark nicholson cream his pants, while rana naved-ul-hasan was getting the thanks-for-coming notes.

it makes sense. rana's seam when he releases the ball is truer than a biblical prophet. he bowls at real pace, yet his slower deliveries are as deceptive as an akmal brother. he ticks every check box a premier fast bowler needs to. and yet.

something isn't there - the sum is not greater, even lesser than the parts.

that's the feeling i get with this song. i can't quite see what's wrong with it. the lyrics are contemporary, the sound is great, the length is just right, and faraz anwar provides some fascinating virtuousity right at the end. and yet.

perhaps it just sounds too much like a lot of other things.

the vocalist is good, but not distinctive. the guitars are awesome, but in an adequate way, if that makes any sense. perhaps the song suffers from hitting the right areas too much, and not providing a moment that surprises you.

don't get me wrong - its not in any way a bad song. it's rather tasty, but in a aalo-gobi kind of way, where you know its filled your stomach, but you're not going to spend the next day dreaming about  it.

Jahiliya - Rana Naved

Usman Riaz - Hum Tum

If you ever talk to any Pakistani fan about fast bowling, particularly those from the 90s, they'll tell you a legend. a legend of a bowler so fast, he made shoaib look pedestrian. a bowler so demonic that lara himself bowed to his greatness. the bowler in question was mohammad zahid, and we'll forever associate him with the refrain - what if? what if his action hadn't caused his spine to shatter, curtailing his career? what if we had speed guns then to measure him, or what if we hadn't spent all our energies taking care of the other express man of that time - shoaib akhtar? what if?

and "what if" is the question that keeps coming back to you in this song.

let's face it - Usman Riaz is a talent of a phenomenal level. its kind of apt that he is such a fragile looking person, because that's the feeling you get from listening to him - someone so precocious and odiously talented feels too good to be true, you fear that this ugly world will devour him.

and perhaps recognizing that, Gumby and Omran were extremely careful with his song. they got the help of the supremely creative Sir Ahmed, they drafted in one of Pakistani pop's best vocalists. they did everything possible to make this work.

but when you listen to the song, you wonder - what if the vocals didn't come in to drown out the gorgeous guitar and piano solos? what if they had gone with a different feel, which wasn't so eager to be catchy? what if usman had just been left to his own devices? what if the collaborator was someone unassuming and unknown, instead of a colossal ego with a beard?

i honestly wanted to refrain from being bitchy in this review, but ali noor's attitude kinda pissed me off. with the utmost respect, the man deserves his ego. but like those tales of senior cricketers snubbing the youngersters in the team they feared would take their places, ali noor doesn't really go out to embrace the wunderkid, instead admonisihing him that the only way to do the song would be his way.

the silver lining of course is that the show has put usman riaz on the map. we all know him now, and perhaps a lot of us would be hungering for something more sublime from him. perhaps we will be more willing to treat him and accept him for the virtuouso he obviously is, and we will make peace that he won't give us catchy songs. i sure as hell hope so, because i don't want to be asking 'what if' with this guy any longer.

Hum Tum - Mohammad Zahid

Athar Sani - Jaane Kyun

"Sometimes in the heart, yes I do wish that I have the same kind of fans that Afridi and Shoaib have, the same fan following. But even then, I am satisfied with the following I have but I am never satisfied with my performance."

Umar Gul is quite an enigma for a Pakistani fast bowler. he has no airs, no tantrums, no controversies. he's a guy who went from here,

to here,

and he still comes across as the most honest, down to earth, sincere person to ever play for our ever-mercurial, self-destructive, attention-whore of a team.

in fact, in many ways he's like an anonymous fast bowler from another country - a bresnan, or an elworthy or a bichel. men who bowl honestly, who always try hard, who hit the right spots, and who you can always depend on. but what makes gul stand out is the fact that he has those amazing yorkers. you might go for a whole spell and spend half of it without seeing anything approaching brilliance, but when he comes good, he reminds you why exactly he deserves many more accolades than he ever gets. he reminds you why he's no forgotten fast men, but rather a proud addition to pakistan's pantheon of pacers.

this song is exactly like that. when you hear it for the first time, or perhaps when you are in a hurry, it sounds like a great song from an indian movie or pop album (which isn't saying much) yet, if you delve a little deeper, its beauty starts to come through. you realise that athar isn't just a good singer, he's a damn good one. you start hearing those subtle strums on the guitar, you feel the synth slowly enveloping you. you realise that the lyrics aren't as obvious as the chorus might have made you think. and you start realising that this song is something special. it won't get the headlines, and it won't make it into the greatest ever lists. yet it will be more than something dependable, something that would require patience. like gul, this song doesn't contract genital warts or smoke pot to get attention. it remains true to itself, and that's a quality that will endear this song to you quite unlike anything else.

Jaane Kyun - Umar Gul

Natasha Ejaz - The Right Way to Fall

I have to admit, i don't have a good analogy for this one. allow me to explain why. the first reaction i get when i listen to this song is how gorgeously smooth it is. there isn't quite another word that explains it as well - this song is like silk-made sharks in an ocean of cream. although i suppose if i am delving into culinary analogies, i should choose something which also reflects how light this song feels. not in a way that is vaccuous, but rather its lightness comes from a sort of whimsical joy it exhibits.

keeping that in mind, the best bowler-fit would be michael holding. if you haven't seen holding in action, click here and understand why umpires would claim they couldn't hear him approach when he bowled because his action was so rythimical it was virtually silent.

but holding's a jamaican. wasim bhai's action was beautifully efficient, but his action was not really the definig feature about him, so that's another analogy that tanks. the closest one that comes to mind is aqib javed.

aqib was a lot better bowler than history allows us to remember, mainly because he was drowned out by the two Ws. but aqib was also all about grace and guile, his approach was simple and yet it masked a ferocity.

in the same way, this song is deceptively simple because it masks an immediate ferocity of talent beneath. along with usman, natasha ejaz stood out as someone voraciously talented in this show. and its quite amazing that she didn't choose to have all of that in display in one go. instead, we got a song which is understated, yet of the kind which justifies why music players have the Repeat One option.

the real beauty of this song is natasha's voice, but you also have to acknowledge the 'techno-hip-hop' bits the producers provided. they complement the song beautifully, and never overstep the mark. trust me on this, you might not immediately shout and scream about this, but this song is something special.

Right Way to Fall - Aqib Javed

RamLal - Naughty Boy

Its almost too easy to find a Pakistani fast bowler who is analogous with a song called Naughty Boy, but let's not rush ourselves.

The bowler in question needs to be a druggie, a rogue, a subversive fellow who hits it with the ladies but isn't quite sure why. A guy who doesn't obviously come across as a problem, yet he is. more importantly, he needs to be a bowler who appears unassuming, and yet has the ability to make you start jumping with joy. someone who has the skills to seduce you without really looking like it.

step forward, Mohammad Asif.

the defining feature (rather memory) of asif's bowling was how the ball would wobble like a nautch-girl delivering thumkas in an item number. you could never tell from the seam which way an asif delivery would go, but it would perform all sorts of sorcery. in another culture, asif would have been a mcgrath - hugely succesful yet no more than a bland metronome. but because asif was pakistani, his bowling would have the same staid pace, but the wickedness of a saasu maa missing her tajori ki chabiyan.

that's what naughty boy is all about. its not in-your-face-rock. instead it has this jazzy, big band kind of feel, which like asif amongst the speedsters, is wonderfully refreshing. the guitars in this song are also delectable, changing tone and rythm deceptively yet decisevely. and the killer, that asif-esque moment of sublime brilliance, is the trumpet, which suddenly takes this song beyond decades and genres. but perhaps you were too busy laughing/being aghast at the subversive nature of the lyrics. its rare for such an honest and casual approach to 'dating' and 'mazay' being seen in the open in pakistan, but naughty boy does it in a way no one else has managed. Naughty Boy is a song that ambles up to the crease and doesn't exert too much effort, and yet its detached coolness kinda blows you away.

Naughty Boy - Mohammad Asif

Yasir & Jawad - Riedi Gul

My first memory of Mohammad Amir was at the World T20 final. till that moment, i'd known he'd existed because i'd seen him in the previous matches. and i knew that pakpassion had been hyping him up like crazy. but then again, they do that with everyone. i hadn't seen anything extraordinary till then. five deliveries changed my mind forever.

let's get the context in here. this was a world cup final. at fucking lord's, which has more history and tradition than the Jews. and at the crease was the small matter of the man of the tournament, the guy they'd just named a new stroke after. and the bowler was an unknown teenager.

this was a moment so huge physicists had to be called in to measure it.

and what did amir do - he siezed it.

no, he didn't just sieze it, he came up with the most surreal spell of momentum shattering bowling i had ever seen on such a huge stage since those two balls at the MCG. and from that moment, you knew that amir belonged. he was young, and raw, and there was a way to go, but he belonged and what's more, he was a superstar. no question.

i think you get my point here. this song, the moment you hear it, the moment the rubab comes in, the moment the beauty of the vocals hits you, the moment that the meethas of the song, the subtleties giving way to the soaring climax, the whole deal HITS you, you know these guys belong. you know these guys are superstars, not celebrities. its the sort of song, which even when you discount for my fetish for pashto vocals, makes you swell up your chest and feel good about living in a time and place where such beautiful music is made. it makes you feel good about yourself, even when all you've done is listen to it. it's that frickin' good.

now let's just hope that this song never meets anyone named mazhar.

Reidi Gul - Mohammad Amir.

Post-Script: Two shout outs remain here. the first is to zeeshan parwez and the program itself, but i'll save that for another post. the second goes out to Gumby and Omran.

its really difficult to truly see just how amazing these two have been for this show. for starters, they're not two-bit hotel lobby musicians, they're absolutely huge stars in their own right. and yet, not only are their egos safely parked elsewhere, they go out of their way to get the kids to relax, and with each of them, they've been brilliant in getting the best ouf of them. that's no mean feat when you consider the constraints of time and the innate pakistani penchant for marroing.

more importantly, they've led brilliantly with their instincts. other than usman riaz, where perhaps there was some overanalysing to blame, each of the songs have been produced but not overproduced. the collaborations are generally inspired - the biggest hit was the trumpet for Ramlal and the tabla for Athar Sani, but the decision to go rather bare with Reidi Gull was just as impressive. with each song, these guys were genuinely eager to get the best thing out there. and for that, a big sabz salam.

Last Stop on the Rawalpindi Express (Part 1, maybe)

when i was young, i had a certain idea about love. to me, love meant contentment. it meant something pleasant, something that did away with your fears and anxieties and worries. something which was soothing, reassuring, pampering even. i expected love to be a natural progression of adulthood, as inevitable and predictable as finding a 9-to-5 job, of finding a respectable spouse, of having a number of well-behaved children living in a well-kept house. i thought love was about the absence of tensions and worries and dread and fear. in my understanding, love was like gripe water, soothing my infantile pangs of pain.

in a way, none of this was wrong. love can, and is, all these things my testosterone-challenged mind had concocted. 

and yet, love is something more.

if sunday was the day the e-mail was invented, then monday was the day the first forward was sent. email forwards are a culture unto themselves, revealing little in terms of truth themselves, but opening up so much more about the person who sent them. the recently politicized student who sends you petitions to sign, the recently married acquaintance who masks her new-found disillusion by swamping you with brainless quotes written on jpegs of blooming clouds, the idiot friend whose much-hacked inbox keeps popping out viagra-extolling viruses, the generally shy colleague who sends you jokes that contain some contrived homily at the end. 

then there is the forward that fathers or uncles usually send. those that are vague attempts at asserting continuity and stability. sometimes this is manifested in ISI-sponsored propaganda that link to the dajjalian conspiracies seeking to threaten the status-quo. sometimes, they arrive as pseudo-scientific studies proving that sleeping on time and driving carefully are the road to wisdom and salvation. and sometimes, they arrive in the form of lists which are meant to showcase and reimagine the 'image' of pakistan. 

usually, such emails contain a host of images and bland facts which are meant to prove how pakistan is not just a haven for terrorism and violence. they are replete with pictures of places like lalazaar, with inane descriptions such as "considered by many to be heaven on earth." they tell of disparate achievements, such as female fighter pilots, and of course this guy.

 inevitably, as they scramble around vainly to find something to impress, they proudly mention that largeness of our army.

it goes without saying that such forwards do nothing to fire up the patriot within me. after all, those lovely places are rendered unvisitable due to the wars. those o'level grades are just past-paper-rattafication taken to a new extreme. and that large army... well, vicariously overcompensate much?

but that's not the reason such a forward, or indeed any discussion on the 'image' of pakistan is so irksome. firstly, because unlike other countries, we are the problem child, the sulken sallow faced one with the absuive history, with the suppressed past and the unpleasant future, with the myriad contradictions and the embarassing realities, with the stunted development and without the full eyes, the perky breasts or the coy smile. discussion of image don't work well with our country.

but more improtantly, it is because the quintessential experience of living in pakistan and actually enjoying life there is notoriously difficult to distill into words and images. if it must be understood, it has to be felt to be known.

milan kundera had written once about how someone in love can be surprised to find themselves feeling hungry, because love has this way of taking over your body, your physical sensations, your internal workings. its the realisation that love is not always a soothing panacea, but instead something which has a way of shredding nerves, jostling your insides, plummeting your breath and squeezing your mind. love can't be understood through words and drawings, through painting and sonnets, through songs and ballads, love must be felt. love is visceral.

and that's how we arrive at our understanding of shaiby.

of the countless eulogies that will be written for him, all will make use of statistics to highlight his chronic absenteeism, all will give numbers to collate his outrageous disciplinary fines, probations and bans, all will wistfully reflect on figures to showcase what could've been, had he been more fit, more committed, more someone else...

which might be fine, but the true joy of shaiby, the love felt for him, is experienced, not written.

cricket is a game of infinite pauses, of starts and re-starts. 

every delivery, the game comes to a rest, and every delivery it starts up again. each delivery builds up a sense of anticipation and each delivery is resolved with some sort of a climax. it is this pattern that makes test matches so addictive, because the whole pattern replays itself for two innings, for ninety overs a day, for five days. inevitably though, most of the time such moments are bland, the buildup tepid, the climax anti-climatic. the toilers toil, the grafters graft, the nurdlers nurdle, and fakmal drops the catch.

not with shoaib though.

every time, every single time he runs in from those colossal distances, there is an exhilirating buildup, a cascade of potential outcomes, each more glorious and disastrous than the next. his run-up whips us into a frenzy that engulfs everyone, his action and delivery are literally an explosion, and the outcome forever brands itself onto your emotional make-up.

what is truly brilliant is that these emotions are not restricted to his team's fans alone, because the inflammable nature of shoaib means that any and every eventuality is possible.

to make my point, take these two deliveries to sachin. i don't even need to link the videos, because you all know what i mean.

the first is from kolkata, where it takes literally an hour for sachin to arrive at the crease while the crowd shits its pants in anticipation, and it takes ages while tony grieng and charu sharma continue to mount incessant platitudes on the little master, and it takes another lifetime for the sachin to get ready and face up, and further eons still for the thundering speedster to arrive at the crease.

and then.

and there is an ecstatic blur as the ball is released. 

and then.

and then there is silence. 

there are flayed stumps. there are broken hearts. there are new dreams and old fears. and there is a new hero.

take your time to digest that.

but as i said, the joy is not for his supporters alone. four years later, the two met again in centurion, in a world cup. it was a moment that sachin himself has been waiting for for over a year. that rabid fans had been praying and cursing for even longer. and once more, as shoaib runs in, it feels that all the world and time and history are collapsing into this one moment and either you or the entire cosmos are about to implode. and when sachin visciously stabs at the ball and it soars in the air, the moment seems to stretch even further, becoming even more unbearable and oppressive, until it sails into the crowd and despair/joy overwhelms you.

those two balls, those two moments - that's what shoaib is about. 

not about five-fors or strike rates, not about tests played or fines paid, but about the moment, the unbearably violent, destructive, overwhelming experience. 

those who know love will know this feeling well, this feeling where everything seems to be in chaos, everything seems to come together and break away, everything rips anew and apart - the feeling we feel when shaiby bowls.

because love is not just rainbows and cookies, love is agony, love is pain, love is delirium. 

love is a shoaib akhtar delivery.

A Nation of Ches

so as some of you may know, i have repeatedly professed my distaste for blogging about politics. but the kind of job i have means that i am always involved in reporting on them, and of course i have opinions on that. so i decided to write a political-flavoured post for this blog's sautan, my dawn blog. unfortunately, i decided to make a "statement" by posting an early draft of the post as a tweet, instead of mailing it directly to my long suffering editor. by the time we got around to cleaning it up, it was wednesday. and by then a far more famous and respected columnist who i've been accused of copy-paste-materialing had sent in his piece, which referenced similar themes as mine. and so, in a twist which is rather fitting considering my penchant for introspection, i am left as the che i was railing about. here is that never-to-be-published post.



Last week, I was part of a momentous, historic occassion. I was present at Tahrir Square when Hosni Mubarak announced his resignation. Almost immediately, the crowd went into raptures. People young and old hugged and kissed one another, communists and Islamists began to engage in consensual copulation, women emerged simultaneously adorned in burqas and bikinis reading aloud Germaine Greer's tafsir on the Quran while calorie-free chocolates began to sublimate out of thin air as everyone's bank balances were stuffed with all the money they had dreamed of.

Oh no wait, that was the fantasy I concocted after reading what all of the Pakistani corner of the blogosphere had to say on the events in Egypt. 

Which is surprising, because the more appropriate Pakistani reaction to the events on the Arab street should have been "Been there, Done that."

Yet it seems that all of us are afflicted with the sort of short-term memory loss which only a prolonged usage of opiates can bring upon. 

But in either case, a simple visit to google would have reminded the Sons of Revolution that Pakistan has not only been always "with it" when it comes to global revolution fads, it has actually been ahead of its time in the latest version. After all, its only been three years since a prolonged civil society instigated popular movement upended a decade-long military dictatorship, benevolently enlightened as it was.

And that was only the latest in a long history of "people power" movements in Pakistan. After all, when the entire world from Paris to Prague was whipped up in revolutionary frenzy in 1968, Pakistani students were leading their own marches in the homeland. The decimation of our eastern half, and their subsequent genocide, was also instigated when people power demanded its rights. And Mr Bhutto's decision to lengthen his proverbial beard and ban discos, daroo and 'deviant' sects was also on the back of street protests. And these examples don't even begin to consider the rent-a-rallies every other social/economical/political/veena malikal issue seem to spawn in Pakistan.

And yet, without ever considering these stone-cold events of reality, there are those complaining that Pakistan's revolutions are fake, reactionary, chaotic, and futile. 

Anyone making this claim seems to forget that traditionally, revolutions involve lots of blood shed, lots of chaos and violence. And in the recent past, these have ended up with regimes which rack up the repressiveness. Those that don't bequeath an all-powerful Eternal Leader/Supreme Ayatollah/Venerated Sun God leading an all-draconian Big Brother government end up with a lot of the old faces trying to dance to different tunes. 

But still, we Pakistanis act like the crazed Mom visiting Shaadi.com, convinced that someone better out there exists for their molly-coddled ideals of revolution and freedom.

So the obvious question is - why do we do this?

The answer lies in a t-shirt. 

The one I wore in the prime of my youthful naivety, the one that so many others have also bought in similar moments. You know the t-shirt, the one with the black-and-white picture of a forgotten revolutionary looking really damn hot? You know, this t-shirt. The t-shirt we all bought believing that wearing it would somehow proclaim us as intellectual radicals, a t-shirt which would deliver us from injustices and a t-shirt which would redress inequity while still giving us time to party. The t-shirt which was little different from any other sold at Voo Doo Tees or Zainab Market, the t-shirt which allowed all of us to buy into a culture of heady literature, rousing rock, timeless slogans, and the t-shirt which allowed us to pretend that all revolutions were as simple, rewarding and comforting as the joy of wearing a cotton t-shirt on a warm day. 

The t-shirt which would make us Che.

The irony being of course, that we all succeeded into turning in to Che, just not in the language we had intended to be.

A holy fuck

by night, i might be a blogger, but by day i slog through the hours at a shia channel in the UK, where i produce two shows covering politics.

i had tweeted a while back about callers who would shout "youse all are kuffar" before hanging up, but recently something new has started happening.

one of my shows has the blessedly generic name 'behind the headlines' where i round up a week's worth of stories relating to islam and muslims and then three hosts discuss them while taking calls.

last week, we did a show discussing the comments of Jack Straw, a former Labour cabinet minister, that Pakistani men "are preying on white women." the hosts then asked the audience if the statement was a valid one. they also made mention of the fact that Straw's own brother had been put on the sexual offenders list.

now the response was beyond anything our show had seen. pakistani callers of both genders nearly melted the phone lines as they chimed in with their vitriolic responses. but they weren't only concerned with Straw's comments, they were mega pissed that the channel had even brought up the question. in fact, days after the show we were still receiving emails literally bursting at the seams with venom over how our show sought to repeatedly bring up anti-pakistan stories.

now this was something i have long held disdain for. back in pakistan journalists would forever get pillored for promoting a 'negative' image of the country. in a month where pakistan remained in the news for blasphemy rows ranging over issues such as water glasses, business cards and posters, culminating in a brutal murder which was roundly appreciated by all and sundry, it's really not my fucking fault if pakistan is 'looking' bad.

and as my forays into both news and non-news media have blatantly illustrated, everyone loves the controversial, shocking, 'negative' stories far more over any uplifting, positive ones. moreover, i am sick to death of this refrain because if these problems do exist, the worst thing possible would be to start pushing them under the rug.

take the Jack Straw story again. he made his comments a week or so after pakistani gangs who ran prostitution rings got busted. now the stories in all the papers were about how they were using white women. no one bothered mentioning that there were a lot of asian women involved as well. why?

because for people like Jack Straw, the question is one of an event reconfirming a bias brought about their own anxieties. the bias being that pakis are up to no good. the anxiety being that these good-for-nothing pakis are ruining our beloved Blighty.

its not like Straw is alone on this.

for starters, without resorting to anything more than anecdotal evidence and personal experience, there is a impulse, nay a raging desire, amongst pakistani men to fuck white women. its not that they are the most obvious cultural marker of beauty of our globalised society, although its that also, but because of something simpler.

men like to play out their politics on women's bodies.

for the colonised brown man, the pain of being politically subjugated seeks relief through the physical conquering of the coloniser's woman. for the downtrodden minority, doing someone from the majority is meant to alleviate all other miseries.

of course, in actuality this far too often leads to self-hate and eventual acting out etc.

but that never subverts the desire to play out your ideology via a vagina.

take the partition for example. for so long, i have tried to rationalise or attempt to understand why the announcement of a homeland being broken led to a mass explosion of unrestrained sexual violence. i mean we all know about looting, plundering and raping hanging out in the same crowd. but widespread lopping of breasts and collecting them in sacks? forced circumcisions by the dozens? rape at such magnitudes that the governments for both the new nations actually had to develop policies of how to deal with rape-concieved-children-of-the-wrong-faith?

the only answer that makes sense is that the helplessness felt at being uprooted and having your home torn apart was alleviated by forcibly imposing a grotesque level of control through rape.

and its not like this, as we so often like to delude ourselves, was a one-off.

even now, our allums (you know, the big-ass flags you carry in war) are adorned with women. when the woman is aasia, her feminity and humanity are torn off and she is presented simply as evil incarnate. when it comes to aafia, her feminity is ramped up through the selective lens of mehramness, and she ascends as the daughter of the nation. no one has any clue about who they were as people, or even as women, yet deranged fanatics continue to projects their beliefs amidst their breasts.

because when women can be objectified, as a hole to put your dick into, an image to spill your semen on, a symbol for your desire to crawl back up the uterus, a standard bearer for all your morality and anxieties, it allows you to cloak yourself from the actual responsibility of dealing with them.

what do i mean by "dealing with them?"

well, i mean realising they are human.

now, i know you know that. but let's take this conversation down to a basic level. let's take it down to sex.

because you can say whatever the fuck you feel like, and your brain can make as many logical and rational and intellectual arguments as it wants, but your body and its urges always act in what you truly feel. and so its one thing to say platitudes about women, quite another to make love to her in a way which is equitable and enjoyable.

its an idea i have thought about often, even making a short film about this.

and i returned to it in quite a staggering manner. a person i interviewed told me about how in iran, the middle class families would snap up the books by the Imams on jurisprudence and the hijab, but no one would buy the books on sexual advice. and by that, i don't mean stuff about chastity and what not. i mean details on how to find the g-spot, on techniques of love making.

holy fuck, emphasis on holy.

and if you think that this is just khatmal mythology typical of this kuffar sect, check out what the Prophet had to say on this matter.

The Prophet said, "Three people are cruel: . ..a person who has sex with his wife before foreplay.'' (Wasa'il, vol. 14, p. 40) Another hadith equates sex without foreplay to animal behavior: "When anyone of you has sex with his wife, then he should not go to them like birds; instead he should be slow and delaying." (Wasa'il, vol. 14, p. 82) The Prophet said, "No one among you should have sex with his wife like animals; rather there should be a messenger between them." When asked about the messenger, he said, "It means kissing and talking." (Tahzibu'l-Ihya, vol. 3, p. 110)

as i was saying, holy fuck.

because it got me thinking, do all these doyens of religion, and those champions of equality and rationality, ever allow these thoughts into their bedroom? do they ignore the imperatives of their raging hard ons to try and get their wimmin hot and spicy? do all those millions who massed for upholding the Prophet's sanctity and protecting the daughter of the nation, do they try and see if their tongues and their thumbs can locate clitorises (or is it clitori?) does maulana fazlur rehman consider that reverse cow-girl might not be as fun for him, but it could be more fun for his zoja? or do our chest-thumping, equality now bloggeratis pause their impending premature ejaculations in an attempt to at least try and ensure that the match doesn't end with the female orgasm stranded on a golden duck?

cause eventually, all this talk of politics and rights and ideals are smokescreens obfuscating your own agendas, insecurities and beliefs. stop the talking, let your actions (and i mean this in the most colloquial sense of the word) prove your worth.

Blaspehming Blasphemies

A version of this post was originally published here.

The Blasphemous Blasphemy Law
i usually don't do smash and grab super quick blogs, and i try and avoid politics and internet activism like the plague. however, a couple of days ago i was asked by ahsan butt of fiverupees to do a post, and since ahsan is the dawood ibrahim of paksitani blogging* i couldn't say no.

*(if you don't believe me, check out the untimely demises of Aslam Kana'a Senior, Chotta Bubs and Nithoo Bhola to see what i mean)

the post in question is to talk about the upcoming rally to protest the blasphemy law. in case you don't know about it, check out the details here. (Ed: the protest has since been cancelled until further notice)

but in order to avoid this event becoming a glorified GT, we have to get our heads wrapped around what argument we are proposing to place on the agenda. as mosharraf zaidi pointed out in his excellent article, the for and against camps in the blasphemy debate are often speaking at cross currents.

for many of us, the blasphemy law is abhorrent because it is so frequently misused and abused. however, we can't expect to present this argument, because it shifts the focus away from the legitimacy of the law to a question of how it is being enforced. which leads us into the cesspool of arguing over how to implement laws properly in pakistan.

for others, the blasphemy law needs to be repealed because it is a violation of freedom of speech. this is the exact point (you might as well mark it and take a picture with it) where the anti-blasphemy law campaign finds itself being portrayed as a bunch of 'liberal-extremists' licking the soles of western boots.

why does that happen?

if we are to accept freedom of speech as a valid value to cherish, then it means that we believe that we think everyone has the right to say what they feel. that's great in theory, but in practice it boils down to two things.

first of all, it ignores the fact that in pakistan, by and large, you don't have rights, you have power. if you have power to say what you feel like, you might pretend you are exercising your rights, but in reality you are flexing your considerable muscles. which means those without power are by and large without rights.

secondly, it implies that the only thing sacred is the right to free speech, and the sanctity of that right exists above and beyond anything else which might be held sacred. for the pro-blasphemy camp, this essentially translates into saying that people 'should' have the right to trash all that is sacred.

i might be wrong here, but i can sense that you are tensing up a bit. fear not - for many of the 'progressive' crowd, words like sacred and holy are immediately problematic and uncomfortable.

unfortunately, the problem is that until we can frame our debate in those very contexts of religion and things that are sacred, we are always opening up ourselves to be outflanked by claims that we are brainwashed from abroad and that we have no clue about what it means to be a pakistani.

so why don't we take this debate on in a religious context?

the reason we don't is that we seem to imagine islam like a supercomputer which we can only use once we have learnt C++ and Java and other more complex languages.

let me explain myself.

a few weeks ago, there was this thing on twitter where everyone was tweeting as their 16 year old selves. my favourite tweet of that day was by someone who wrote "one day i am going to learn arabic, interpret the Quran the right way and then all our problems would be solved."

i know a lot of people who can relate to that feeling that there is a truth out there that we can get to if only we are learned enough.

however, we grow up and come to assume that the supremacy of islamic knowledge lies with those whose day job it is to memorize it, and thus we can't hope to enter into a religious argument with them without resorting to non-religious points of views.

well that's just bullshit.

because if the blasphemy debate is to be won over, and i am talking in pragmatic terms here, it has to be framed in the context of religion itself. whether we like it or not, that is the context wherein the majority of our society can converge upon. that is not to say that we are all rabid fundos or enslaved by the opium of religion, but rather the fact that it is the most widespread mode of articulating ideas in our society.

and there is no reason we can't frame a progressive argument in religious terms. this doesn't mean looking up ayahs and tafseers and hadith, but employing some basic logic.

the problem with the idea of blasphemy, particularly at the level of personal insults, is that it implies that the Prophet or God or the Book are some sort of virginal brides in see through chemises whose honor can be irrevocably slighted with even the smallest speck of dirt.

unleashing the law to punish business card trashing and water bringing betrays a supreme sense of insecurity about the perceived value of that which is meant to be sacred, because it implies that something as mundane as those actions would bring the whole edifice of faith and religion crashing down.

so we need to ask the pro-blasphemy camp - is the Prophet an idea, an example, a person so weak and defenseless that even the naming of a teddy bear will tarnish his image? is your faith so weak that it needs to kill an impoverished woman to save itself? is your religion so wobbly that a business card can bring it down?

even if you don't believe in the sacred history, the more or less accepted versions of historical islam admit that the Prophet bore some hardcore persecution of his people and his self without feeling the need to avenge them. so why is it that his followers 14 centuries on feel so insecure about any criticism thrown his way?

the blasphemy law needs to be repealed because it is a blasphemy in its own self. it reduces that which is supposedly sacred into an idea so weak and powerless that only the most violent action can seem to save it. the blasphemy law is an insult to anyone who has faith, because it claims that an idea which requires blind belief can be shattered by something inconsequential.

you might not agree with me, and you might not feel that you can carry this debate with anyone armed with tafseers and hadiths. that might be true, but i honestly believe that even if this is a losing argument, it is not a futile one. because it zeroes in on the realm of religion - the very realm the pro-blasphemy camp seems to believe it owns, and can thus manipulate it for its own purposes.

at the end of the day, the reason we should wish to repeal the blasphemy law, or amend it is not because we would like to see the triumph of our own political belief and agenda. we should wish to take this stand because we don't want to see innocent, powerless people be mercilessly persecuted and murdered.

the reason we should wish to make this argument should not be about politics, but about humanity.